Card of Thanks

Angry !!!

So it turned out to be one of them days....
I woke up after such a restless night as usual but this time in such angry & was upset mood with the world, especially with Steven. All I could do is cry and call out to him "How could he leave me like this ? "I'm feel so......alone and so scared ? I'm trying so hard to keep myself in composure but today is so not the day ! How can I ever forget you ? Theres so much around me that reminds me of you.....

O-Dear Jesus....

In Remembrance

Today was a special day for me.....

With tomorrow being Memorial Day, I decided to head out early on a adventure for some flowers for Steven's grave with my daughter Carrie. There was so many to chose from, all where so beautiful in bloom & color. It's so sad for I never in my wildest of dreams, did I ever think this day would come, that I would bury my husband, let alone buy flowers for his grave.

To all my family & friends who would like to give there respects or just stop and visit.....

Steven now resides at North Burial Cemetery in Providence, RI

S.K.R.

R.I.P. My Love

Sadly Missed

143-4-ever

Letter from Heaven

O-Dear Jesus....I know Stevens now with you. Please send him my deepest of LOVE for I so miss him. I know he is now my Guardian Angel for the Sun now shines more upon me but, today there is nothing but gray skys..........

Today.....I woke up after such a restless night as usual but this time in such an angry & was upset mood with the world and  especially with Steven. All I could do is cry and call out to him "How could you leave me like this ?" I feel so......alone and so scared ? You do so remain in my Heart but, your  not in my presence. I'm trying so hard to keep myself in composure but today is so not the day ! How can I ever forget you ? Theres so much around me that reminds me of you.....

Sad Day

Another exhausting day.....I continue to visit Stevens grave on a daily basis. Today was such a sad day going there for all the beautiful flower where now gone. This brought tears to my eyes to see just a pile of dirt with two flowers scattered on top. His remembrance picture remained intact and was placed so kindly at the head of the grave. Carrie and myself where in awe.....just not understanding to the fact that all them once beautiful flowers have now been gone. I thought to myself " my how everything on earth eventually dies". I gathered some stones and placed a "143" blow his picture while Carrie drew a " Heart " . Placement of Stevens grave stone just cant be done fast enough....:(   143-SKR <3

What A Day !!

Well its been one of them crazy days when I decide to clean out the basement. At first I thought I could handle it but NOT. There was boxes and boxes to go threw. I never, in all the years that I've know Steven, have I know him to be such a Pack Rat....papers....ooh my goodness...pay stubs since 1980. (Sorry love, your secret is out.) Looks like Im gonna need a heavy duty shredder or a incinerator. *smile* That was just one of my funny moments. On the other hand, it was also very depressing. Going through all his things made me feel like I was invading his privacy yet it was something that had to be done. Although finding old pictures of us, old holiday cards and little mementos he had saved over the years just made me cry. Who would of thought that such little things meant so much to him. Hummm...they say that giving away a deceased ones things is all part of finding closure but, I don't see that as being possible, for most of Stevens things I wont even part with. So for now, instead of 20 boxes, I now have 6. My love, I'm deeply missing you :( 143-4ever SKR

How He Loves Us - Kim Walker / Jesus Culture

Thoughts

All I have to say is Steven & I where so made for each-other. We have been through so much during our time together. Some happy moments along with some sad ones. But by the grace of God, we became one and even though our marriage was short lived, we cherished the moments, days, hours & seconds we had together. I will always love you Steven with all my heart, from my head to my toes. There's no love like this and if some one out there knows this kind of love, I so adore you. Our memories together will be cherished for eternity. Steven, I loved you from the first day we met ( At Shabooms ) and I have grown that love for you so deep yet deeper then one can imagine. Our only hope was to grow old together but God had a plan for only you and now I must wait my turn. I will miss you dearly but I'm reassured that some day, we will be together again. I love you Steven K River....just remember that :) And if you don't know...(as you always said) then you better ask somebody :) <3

My Love

Emotionally Drained

Emotionally drained today. It's been raining for days. Today I visited Stevens grave...I can't help but feel saddened. I just wanted to ball my eyes out but I'm strong willed to not break down, not yet anyhow. I hate coming home to an empty house, sitting on the couch where he once laid and sleeping on the bed where we once shared our most interment nights. I just wanna thank you Jesus for holding me up with your hands.

May 17,2011 To My Dearest Husband

7:40 am

My Dearest Husband....today you will R.I.P. I will weep not for sadness,not for sorrow,but for joy. Joy for having someone so SPECIAL as you in my world. You where my LIFE, and will always remain....my soul-mate & my best friend. I will miss you beside me my love, but I will forever feel your presence until well meet again. 

Forever in my Heart SKR...♥ 
Love, your wife Boo 143

6:05 pm

Today I laid my husband to rest. It was a very touching ceremony. Stevens brother Allen said a touching eulogy for his heart about Stevens life, it was very touching to hear all of the funny things Steven did as a child and yet to hear the sad things about Steven. His sister Marilyn recited the letter she wrote and read to Steven before he passed that was very touching. His oldest sister Cheryl sang a touching song followed by Uncle Paul speaking a few words about God. Then it was time for the cemetery. The car possession was over 50 cars long. Song and prayer where  done by his grave as he lye. All I could do is deep breath and hold my composure and myself from falling as my son Shawn held onto my side. It's so final .... It’s so heartbreaking to see the one person I ever so truly love, placed to rest. Heaven has called upon him to live in the kingdom of God. There's no more pain, no more suffering, just peace. Today I weep for joy and not sorrow , not for sadness. Joy for having someone so special as you in my world. You where my life, you where my world Steven and you will always remain my soulmate and my best friend. I will miss you sitting and lying beside me but will forever feel your presence until we meet again. 
Your forever in my heart SKR....
Love, your wife, Boo 143-4ever <3

May 16, 2011 Emotional Day

1:48 pm

Been up since 4:30, I just can't sleep. My anxiety level is out of control. Today's Steven wake...God give me the strength to make it threw this difficult day. I can't stop thinking of Steven.... My heart bleeds so bad. I need a good cry.:(

11:54 pm

Very emotional day and night. Steven looked like Steven but sleeping in the coffin. It was so difficult for me to see and face the fact that my soulmate is now diseased. His face was cold to touch with the color of a light brown. One would think he actually had a smile or a smirk to him. The funeral hall was packed with friends and family. Steven always told me he had a lot of friends but I never imagined it would be so many. Steven was a good man, well respected and liked by many. Why did this have to happen ? I miss him so much that my heart bleeds deeply. Oh God, why ? What's your plan for us that remain here on earth ? It's so going to be a long night with much needed sleep but the inability to do so. Tomorrow, tomorrow will be filled with sorrow as I lay my husband to rest. Lord...hold me up !

MEMORIES

~~~~~~SADLY MISSED~~~~~~

May 15,2011 PURPLE-STRIDE/RHODE ISLAND

10:19 pm 

Today was our walk for Pancreatic cancer. Family and friends attended in Stevens Honer. It was very touching and I'm forever so grateful for so much support. Steven....we all love you so dearly and wish you was still with us so you could have joined us in the march today. I hope we all made you proud and you smiling down at us. Thank you for holding off the rain on our perade. :) You always did say “they never knowledge Pancreatic Cancer as they do any other type of Cancer.” Well we all attended today to let it be known that we too are fighting for a cure so loved ones like you won’t suffer as you did. I do know your in a better place, a place in the Lords land where pain and suffering is no more. I love you with all of my heart and soul from my head, to my toes.:) I know your watching over me, I feel your presence every waking hour and feel your touch every time I close my eyes. I want you to know, I will be ok, for someday, we will be together again....we are SOUL-MATES. We took a vow to be man and wife, a vow to "until death does is part" but as far as I'm concerned, death has not parted us. I love you SKR <3 ...we will be together again, I can promise you that. 

Much Love, your Boo 143-4 ever <3

May 14,2011

The time is getting closer for Steven to lye and rest in peace. The wake is on Monday followed by the funeral on Tuesday. This is going to be one of the hardest and most difficult things to do. Thanks be to God, he has held me up with both hands. Tomorrow is another day.

May 13,2011

It's been another heart wrenching day. Thank God for all my family and friends. I'm trying to hold myself together but at times, it's so hard. I have my good moments when I think of all the good times we have shared. The times he would sing to me, the times he held my hand to the times he would awaken before me and make my coffee before going to work. God, I ask of you to help guide me and give me strength in my heart and in my soul on these saddened days to come.

May 12,2011

This morning at 4:35 am I lost my best-friend, my soulmate my lover. God has taken him. Taken him away from all his pain and suffering, in his sleep as I for prayed for, with me by his side. Thank you Jesus....Thank you Jesus. Stevens night started out rested as I laid beside him,resting my head on his right shoulder and my arm across his chest at midnight. He remains in oxygen with continued shallow breathing. He has been slipping in and out of consciousness with only a few spoken words that are exhausting to him with every breath he takes. I lay here scared and frightened with my eyes closed but not in a deep sleep. I awaken with ever bit of noise my ears hear. As the hours pass by, I can see and hear Stevens respirations slowing down and his body becoming colder as I lay here touching him. He has removed all the bed linen that covered him and assured me he was ok and not cold. I thought to myself " is he thinking that the weight of the sheets will stop him from rising up to heaven ? " I wonder ! It's now 4 am and I'm hearing nothing but slow breathing. I knew it was time and started to weep silently. Then Steven startled me by talking and moving. I suddenly uplifted myself in bed and looked over to him as he laid on his back mumbling words while rising both arms up into the air calling out in works of tongue. I asked him "Steven, are you ok ? What's wrong ?" Steven replied in a low raspy tone "God" so softly that I had to ask again " what's wrong Steven ?" I proceeded to go sit beside him and proceeded to ask him again...”Steven, whats wrong ?” and that's when he said to me " God, God, don't you see him ?" he then pulled me into him with both his arms with all the strength that he had left and whispered in my left ear...."God" As I looked into his glossy eyes, I in turn said "God ! Steven, you see God?" Steven then replied "Yes, God" it was at that moment that I knew it was time to say my last goodbye. “Steven, you see God, go with him, go Steven, he's waiting for you, I will be ok, go with him to heaven where there's no more pain, no more suffering, go Steven.” Stevens respirations ceased within minutes. Thank you Lord for taking him in a peaceful way. Thank you for taking him with you. Thank you for all the love you have shown us all through or toughest of times....Thank You Jesus !! <3

May 11,2011

9:28 am

Not such a great morning . Stevens still in bed. He had a very restless night. He still remains in oxygen and is having a very difficult time even walking to the bathroom therefore needs my help. The hospice nurse is coming and I'm a nervous wreck sitting here alone. I messaged Stevens sister in hopes she will come over and within a hour she was here. Stevens still remains in bed. 0h GOD, what will this day bring for everyone ? I thought I was prepared for this day but was I so wrong. If there was ever a day that I would feel frightened and confused, this would be it. Please dear Jesus ....stand by me !

11:48 am

The hospice nurse arrived and seen how Stevens status was rapidly deteriorating so we both decoded to increase his morphine dose. Marilyn called all the family and informed them of Stevens decline.

11:53 pm

All of the family came tonight including his children. It's been a long and exhausting day. Steven remains week and in bed. His voice raspy, his color ashen, his respiratory status labored. I so have this gut feeling that he will not make the night. Lord, please open your arms to him. He has suffered enough and has accomplished what he has set out to do....<3

May 10,2011

Another long day filled with friends and family visits. Stevens dad came and now Steven will be at peace with the Lord. Ever breath is now a great effort for him, exhaustion has become more and more evident requiring Oxygen to ease the fear of no being able to breath. Pain, well it was managed yet now he's seeking more Morphine.  It's gonna be a long night for death is written all over his face. I'm alone and scared. Crying doesn't ease my pain. Dear Lord, if it's time to take him into your kingdom, please take him while he sleeps.

May 09,2011

Today is so not a good day. The Hospice doctor came today with the Hospice nurse and adjusted Stevens morphine. Also put him on Prilosec for his stomach. O God...he's looking worse than ever. I can see him proceeding into another stage of death. Why is it so hard for me to understand. Why after being married for such a short time have you decided to take him from me ? Why or lord ? Why ? I'm very angry and so bitter today.

May 08, 2011

Well it's mothers day. Steven had a pretty good night. Then it all started after he woke up at 11:30, yes he's sleeping more just like the doctor said he would. We had lots of company from his sisters and brother in laws. It was a warm and sunny day so we decided to get out for a bit and go for a ride. It was an exhausting day for Steven and you can now see on his facial features that this cancer has taken a toll on him. His eyes are more sunken in his head, and his skin color more yellow than ever. He continues to lose wt but still is able to walk short distances. He tells me he has not urinated in a few days and that worries me for it's a sign that his kidneys are now starting to shut down. Dear Lord, he is so strong and has so much faith in you. I just don't know why he's so afraid to just let go. 

May 07, 2011

Very exhausting day. We have had company since 11:00 am and that's ok for it help ease some of the tension that we are all facing. Steven has lost most of his voice due to all the vomiting he has been having. He continues to vomit mostly bile. My heart continues to weep in pain for I myself can't help him ease the pain and suffering that he's going through. His nights consist of restlessness and interrupted sleep. Oh how I had wished that lowering the morphine was the answer to easing some of his vomiting episodes but I was so wrong. He continues to be in less pain and distress and for that, I thank you Jesus....<3

May 06, 2011

Well the nurse did come today and agreed to lowering the morphine Steven is getting. Hopefully lowering the dose will be tolerable and the nausea and vomiting episodes will be less. It’s a catch twenty two, do we lower the morphine to ease the vomiting episodes and if so , will we be seeing more pain ? We will see. Stevens cousin came today with his aunt. They did a lot of praying and Steven gave his heart to the Lord. He has forgiven everyone who has done him wrong for even his father who was never been there for him. He says " I have to forgive in order to be forgiven myself by GOD".  “Even if it means forgiving my father.”