April 30, 2011

                                                     

Well it's another day. I'm very happy to have Steven home from the hospital but it's gonna be hard and emotional road if I’m to continue to work. The doctors (oncologists) recommend yet insisted that I take a LOA starting yesterday for there telling me I need to spend our last days or weeks with nothing but quality time with each other for Steven will eventually die. His liver is not functioning properly and is
shutting down and it will begin to release toxins. When these toxins, once released into the body, he will be sleeping more and more, and eventually pass. Oh dear Lord.... This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever been through in my entire life, watching the one person I love the most in this world, die before my eyes. I feel so hopeless !!!  How does one even begin to fathom whats to come ? Its undesirable. Damn I’m so scared, scared of losing my one true soulmate, my life, my world. My HEART so bleeds in so much pain.... Please LORD.... I beg of you..... give me the strength and understanding to get me through these emotional days to come....

April 29,2011

Well I went to work today. Steven has been in the hospital and was awaiting surgery to have his stent repaired until I received a so dreaded call from his doctor. No surgery is going to take place. Stevens Bp is way to low and the doctor suggested I take him home and have Hospice Care services. Steven will eventually die, all his vital organs will shut down and the toxins in his liver will cause him to sleep more once they are released into his body. All I could do was break down and cry at this point. This is so not fair.....why Lord? Why ? I left work and cried all the way to the hospital to visit Steven. Steven decided on getting the pic line removed and made himself a DNR/DNI. He received 2 units of PRBC and then he was discharged from the hospital. Hospice will visit tonight at our house. I'm trying my best to stay strong for any sigh of weakness will have Steven wonder why I'm am so worried. Please Lord, give me STRENGTH !!!!

April 28, 2011

Well today started off not so good. Steven called me all upset for the NP asked him about his Advance directives. What where his wishes ? Did he want to be resuscitated, kept alive by machines or did he want to be left comfortable with no heroic measures ? As far as Stevens concern, he had no wishes, he was by no means dying. Therefore, Steven was told he needs blood for his labs are low and is Bp is 78/54. Surgery to repair the stent has been postponed until tomorrow. A little disappointed but it is what it is. Steven finally agreed to DNR/DNI Hospice Care services  following a lengthy conversation with his physician. Hospice Care is to be set up once he's home. The doctors plan is to administer 2units of PRBC in attempts to bring up his blood pressure so he can have the stent repair procedure and Steven will be home on Saturday. Stevens oncologist is pleased with Stevens decision. As for me....I'm angry and upset for my heart weeps for knowing what's to come. Cancer ..... You suck !!!!

April 27,2011

Here we go again.... I know it's been awhile but I've been way to busy to write. Steven turned jaundice on Saturday and had blood work on Monday. His blood work is all off again and had to have a CAT scan yesterday. Today, just a little while ago, we set out for the doctors appointment. He is now down to a 88 pounds. All medical options where presented from his oncologist and thats when the first time Steven looked me with tearful eyes and asked me "Boo, am I dying ?" All I could do is breakdown and cry. No answer was ever given from me for I was in total numbness and totally speechless. Steven then requested to his doctor that he would like to give it one more shot to see if his stent can be repaired and was therefore admitted hospital. The question now is...is the stent clogged again or has the cancer spread ? Hospice was also an option but Stevens still remains in daniel and has already requested surgery. I'm not sure what's to come.... so I will just take it one day at a time. Lord, help me !

April 21,2011

5:48 pm

Well my time spent lately is mainly spending quality time with Steven and making sure he's comfortable. It’s been well over a year now and it seems that whatever drug we try to manage his pain is not working. The fentanyl patches where increased to 250 mcg on April 19th but he still has pain. I’m starting to think the fentanyl is not working due to the decrease in body fat he now has and therefore the medication is not being absorbed as it should. Oh dear God, why cant we find something to help Steven be free of pain ? He's been suffering long enough !!!!

April 5,2011

2:13 am

I know it's been a few days since I've written. It's that I been very busy. Anyway, Stevens been doing ok lately even though he continues to lose weight due to all his vomiting episodes. We  went out for awhile today for I thought the fresh air would due him good. Well, gotta go, it's late. Night night !